"Aya, Almost Has A Cosmo With Toyota Engine Owned by a BMW." (aya-yu)
01/07/2014 at 16:49 • Filed to: Clarkson Sunday Times Review
1
0|
"Aya, Almost Has A Cosmo With Toyota Engine Owned by a BMW." (aya-yu)
01/07/2014 at 16:49 • Filed to: Clarkson Sunday Times Review | 1
| 0 |
Try this moose suit for size, Mr Top Gun
In the days of the cold war we knew we had four minutes to respond to
the Soviet threat and we developed the hugely powerful English Electric
Lightning fighter to deal with that. But up in the frozen north, Sweden
had its face pressed against the Iron Curtain and needed even faster
reactions. Which is why it came up with the Saab Viggen. This was the
most powerful single-engined fighter in the world. For a while it held
the international speed record and it remains the only fighter to get a
missile lock on an SR-71 Blackbird spy plane.
It also packed the
most powerful cannon and a very advanced radar. But it was a bit more
than brute force and a big fist. Because Sweden covered the West's
northern flank against the Soviet Union, the Scandawegians reckoned that
if the balloon went up, their airfields would be destroyed in short
order. So, when a Viggen's nose wheel hit the deck, reverse thrust was
triggered instantly, allowing the plane to stop in little more than 500
yards. This meant it could be operated from roads, frozen lakes, even
school sports pitches.
It
was also extremely economical. Unfortunately, the Swedish government
refused to sell military hardware to any country it considered to be
undemocratic. Which meant that the Swedish air force had to buy every
Viggen that rolled off the production line. And that's why, for a while,
it was the fourth-largest air force in the world. Still, at least there
was one accounting upside, because here in Britain everyone thought
that if they bought a Saab car, they were actually getting a Viggen with
a tax disc.
That still holds true today. But actually this
hasn't been entirely accurate for some time. And not only because the
Viggen's engine was made by Volvo. In the early days, it's true, the
aircraft designers were employed to work on the car's aerodynamics, but
that stopped years back. The car you see in the photographs this morning
is not a jet. It's a Vauxhall Vectra in a moose suit. Oh, Saab is still
banging on about the aircraft connection. It fits a button that turns
off all the dashboard lights at night, so you can feel like a night
fighter pilot. But you don't really. You just feel as if you might be
running out of petrol.
Other features? Well, Saab says: "A wide
range of functions can be pre-set according to personal preference."
Sounds good. But one of the things listed is the clock. Yes. You can set
it to whatever time you like! And another is the air-conditioning
system. Wow. So it has a heater that can deliver a range of
temperatures. It seems, then, that I was dissing it unfairly when I said
it was just a Vauxhall Vectra in an antler suit. In fact, it's a
Vauxhall Vectra with a heater and a clock. And a diesel engine that
produces no torque at all.
Technically, this isn't possible. But somehow Saab seems to have managed
it. If you dribble up to a roundabout in second gear at 5mph, spot a
gap and put your foot down, you will roll into the gap you spotted,
still doing 5mph, only now the van driver you pulled out in front of is
leaning on his horn, mouthing obscenities and wondering why you don't
get a bloody move on. Once you're moving, and provided you keep it in
the right gear, the power is not too bad. But when the turbocharging is
on song, the steering wheel does protest mightily, writhing about as
though it's in physical pain. And guess how much you're expected to pay
for all this. Yes, £29,000. That's more than BMW asks for the 318 diesel
estate.
To make matters worse, there was recently a great
disturbance in Saab's force. General Motors had bought half the company
in 1989 and the rest in 2000 but realised last year it didn't want it
any more. The production lines stopped and for a while it looked as
though the company would be gone. But then it was rescued by a Dutch
outfit that makes the Spyker supercar. In many ways this is a bit like
Mr Patel from your local corner shop deciding to buy Harrods. It sounds
terribly romantic, but if you're going to take on the big boys, you need
to have deep pockets. A billion won't cut it.
Toyota probably spends that on pot plants.
But here's the thing.
I do not want Saab to go. I'm glad that in Britain 6,000 architects
decided to buy one last year and I hope that number continues to grow.
Which is why I have a tip for the new company. The 9-3 is old. It has a
nasty engine. And, while I acknowledge the standard fitment of both an
adjustable heater and a clock, it is also quite expensive. But it does
have one feature that sets it aside from almost every other car on the
market. It's comfortable.
Today all car makers have got it into
their heads that, despite the traffic and the price of fuel and the war
on speeding, what motorists want is sportiness. A hard ride. Nervous
steering. Bucket seats. Big power. There was a time when Volvo sold
itself on safety and VW on reliability and Mercedes on quality. Not any
more. Now, they all make racing cars. Before a new model goes on sale it
is taken to the Nürburgring, where final tweaks are made to the
suspension to make sure that it can get round the 14-mile track as fast
as possible.
This is fine, of course, if you live in the Eifel
mountains and you use the Ring on the way to work. But it's not fine at
all if you live in Esher and your office is in Leatherhead. And it's
also not fine if you ever encounter a pothole or have a bad back. I know
that people in a focus group will tell the inquisitors in the polo-neck
jumpers that they would like their next car to be "sporty" because
that's the motoring dream and has been since Christopher Plummer roared
away from the battle of Britain in his zesty MG. But in reality,
sportiness is a pain in the backside.
Recently, I bought a new sofa because it looked good. Sharp. Modern. Crisp.
It's an aesthetic masterpiece, but after a hard day at work, when I just
want to slob out in front of the television, I'd be better off sitting
on the floor. At my age I crave comfort, and that's why I have enjoyed
my week with the Saab so enormously. It's dreary to drive and
underpinned by one of the worst car platforms in modern history, but the
seats are superb, and the suspension is capable of keeping the pothole
bomb blasts to nothing more than a shudder.
Plus, and this is the
really good bit, as I cruised about, with the adjustable heater
providing me with just the right amount of heat, and the clock telling
me precisely the right time, everyone else — apart from the occasional
van driver — was looking at me and thinking: "Ooh, look. It's Chuck
Yeager."
Verdict
Bang on target for fighter pilots with bad backs.
Clarkson
Reviews is yet another new feature of my kinja, about random but
interesting reviews from our fat belly uk grandpa Jeremy Clarkson.
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